EMOTIONAL pain

CURRENT FACTS THAT HAS BEEN EMOTIONALY PAINFUL FOR ME this past few months past of February 2011


People who don’t make decisions to cover up your mess though they are in position and you are serving them. The fact that you are serving them, not them serving you. I ask for a favor, I know I am privileged and doesn’t care about my rights anymore cause I have none.

When you tried to live according to your comfort and stability but affects your schedule of serving other people, you are notified of changes you have made lately and ask to go back to what has been practiced. What has been practice is never different to what has been done lately. Being productive doesn’t contain how long you stay at work but rather how much work you put in with time.

When someone acknowledge that you are stronger or a bit above of them, they speak good to you, but at your back they have been doing the unacceptable behavior and speaking of the most wildest words ever.

Its hard to accept when people wants you, like you or love you because of a material elements. I always refuse them. Love me as I am and we’ll work, live and enjoy life together.

When people treat you differently right at your face when they act towards others like best of friends and family in life.

When people want the same things as others have. Why can’t they be happy of what they have and shut up their mouth full of ill-words.

When higher people constantly reminding you of your position and economic status which seems impress you that you are below and they are higher and you have to look at them and act below, behave like nothing but an options in their life.

When people taunt other’s sexuality. When trying to stress out reasons from science, religion and their own experience without taking into considerations the others life’s perspective. When actually you are not forcing them to like you or believe you.

Labeling. When people call you for something you are half like and not totally bitch. There’s a big difference between a professional bitch and a regular flirt.

When someone in a position whoa represents corporate services would postpone, delay and care less about your effort and need of what they offer. That is when people choose whom they like to serve, those that fits in their eyes and their standard, but when they see you and get this impression of being unlikable, they will hard on you even in the most unreasonable, unjust, even sometimes no reason to deal with you hardly.

It is more painful to obey than to be heard, this is my peace.

photo credit: http://www.mymodernmet.com/profiles/blogs/the-beauty-and-pain-of-love
by: bodengdeng

A DAY WITHOUT THAT THE KIND FEELING

Everyday seems to be forever without that feeling of magic. Many times I know it’s not easy to live another day knowing that it will start and end with exactly the same feeling, this seems to infect my mind with a dreadful thought of living my life forever in the same way.

A day without that kind of feeling isn’t an option for me. I must have that kind of feeling. It would be a nightmare living a day without that kind of emotion. A day that would spell pain and will trouble my mind all throughout. It can spark a war and would make me feel alienated with those that surrounds me. It is far better to sleep ‘till it ache my bones than freshening myself up and going out without that feeling. I know it’s not permanent, it will fade once it reach the period maturity, especially when it receives enough sun of appreciation and water of attention. Regardless of how and when will it stop, I consider it as a part of my daily life for now. No matter how hard a day seems to be, it doesn’t matter cause that’s what makes me feel good about life.

Describing that kind of feeling isn’t easy, I couldn’t fully understand it. Expressing it in words is difficult. Let me try to compare it with some of experiences in life that would somehow decipher that kind of feeling. When I feel, it’s like the first time you made an intimate activity with your beloved. The feeling is like when someone defends you even if you don’t know each other yet scare away those that tries to harm you. It is also like when you feel the urge of making love with your partner and you end up in a bed of your neighborhood crush. The feeling is really unfamiliar, it goes deep down into my heart every time I choose to have it and stays there for the rest of the day, leaving untouched when I lay down to sleep and must be awaken every time when sun shines up.

Sad to say, it can hurt people. It could get interpreted in the other way. It could be thought of bad being disguise nicely and somehow people would think it’s not fitting. No matter what, it’s not about people. It’s about my daily life, how I live each day and each moment without regret. I can’t spend a day without this kind of feeling, I know as I have said it’s not permanent but somehow it will stay as long as the subjects stays even if not, maybe new subject will be brought into the surface.

Life has so much to offer when a person knows what he wants and live daily according to the call of his heart.

by: bodengdeng

ANG PAKPAK SANG KALIPAY

Bisan pa mabudlay gin suong ko. Nag pamuskag ako ugaling daw malayo pa mag bunga ang tanom nga kaangay ko tungod asta subong wala pa sing nga kweba kung sa diin pwedi ma gulagod sang akon nga gamhanan kag pinasahi nga instrument kag mag salo nga nagabuwsawak ko nga pag higugma. Nagapuswak nga balatyagon kaangay sang pakpak nga makusog kag naga dala sang akon lawas sa panganod.

 Ang pakpak. Gamay man ukon dako ini gid may pulos. Nagakuha ini kusog kag pwersa sa paminsaron kag ugat nga na angot sa likod sang tinuga nga nagapanag iya sini. Mahimo nga isa ini ka gahum para sa ila. Isa ka bagay nga sila lang ang gintagaan tungod indi ini naga kabagay sa iban nga tinuga. Ang pakpak gin hatag para makalupad ang tinuga, para madala siya sini sa lugar nga ginhurma sang iya pang hunahuna, kag sa pag pang lakbayon sa iya pangabuhi adlaw adlaw. Nagadala ini sang pag bag o ka pag laom sa kon anoman ang gusto nga matabo sang tinuga. Matuod gid nga ang pakpak isa ka dako nga kalipay sa tagsa tagsa ka may yara sini.

Nakalab ot na ako sa tion sang akon kabuhi nga kaangay sang isa ka pakpak nga bug os na gid, naislan na ang mga kuyos kag nangin hamtong na ang mga ugat kag balahibo sini. Sa pag padayon ko lupad may mag bagay gid nga indi ko gusto malipatan. Mga bagay nga kanami pamatyagon sa tagipusoon kag nami balik balikan sa pang huna huna. Huo, indi naton malikwan ang mga bagay nga naging rason sa pag kabalda sang pakpak, ayhan gintiro ini, naga pa dulo ini okon ayhan nasamad sang kaaway. Kon ang pakpak masamad nagadala ini sang kasakit kag pan antos sa tinuga, kag ang pag ayo sini indi basta basta. Kinahanglan niya mag pahuway kag mag panago samtang naga ugayong kag naga agwanta sang kasakit. Pero sa pag lipas sang inadlaw amat amat na ini nga naga ayo kag sa pag ayo sini, ang tinuga wala na ga panumdon kag gabatyagsang kasakit nga iya gin agyan. Naging mapagsik ini kag matinandaon, iya na nahibaluan kon pano batoan kag likawan ang mga naga samad sang iya pakpak.

Gani sa akon pag paminsaron, ang kalipay may ara man iya nga pakpak kag iya man ini gin tatap sang mayo. Kon ang kalipay yara sa imo ini isa ka proteksiyon sa pag pangasubo, isa ka dako nga pader nga naga pahamtang sa imo buot batok sa nga bagay ng gina kahadlukan mo. Ang pakpak sang kalipay may tinion nga indi mo ini mabatyagan pero ayhan ini naga pahuyos lang, ayhan nasamad sang kaaway ukon mga bagay nga matalom nga gin gamit para ini indi maka lupad para mag dala sa imo sang matawhay nga paminsaron kag bug os nga pang huna huna. Indi ka mag ka hadlok ukon mag pang duwa duwa. Ang pakpak sang kalipay liwat maga tubo kag liwat maga balik ini sa dati niya nga porma. Magadala ini liwat sa imo sang mga bagay nga imo na na experyensiyahan nga manami kag mga bagay pa gid nga sa una mo palang nga tinion mabatyagan.

Sa imo pag panglakaton subong nga bug os ang pakpak sang imo kalipay, maayo gid ina. Isa ina ka bugay kag dako nga butang nga indi mabakal ukon mabayaran. Gani tatapa ini kag indi pag pungi, pabay-i ini nga mag dala sa imo suno sa gina pitik sang imo dughan kag gina handom sang imo tagiusoon. Asta sa pag lakat sang tag sa ka adlaw, sa pag muklat sang imo mata kag sa pag piyong sini ang imo kalag kag ispirito may pag hidaet kag ang imo lawas wala sang pag antos.

Maayo lang nga pag pangabuhi sa idalom sang pakpak sang kalipay.

by: bodengdeng

Point of No Return

April 01, 2009 8:35 AM

After two weeks of mind-bloody battle, i came right to my senses.
I caught up my self thinking of the my life, my status and my goals.
Nothing much differs, probably it's the feelings that makes it feel different

Am alright... I told myself this morning.
I know i have to move on.
I have come to the point of no return.
The stage where I have to force myself to move forward.
I'm so reluctant and lazy, but i kicked my mind to jump off and start living.

I know, life's battle differs everyday.
Problems and worries we have have many faces,
though of different nature - they're just the same killer of mind and self-esteem.
Today we can do more than yesterday and make our tomorrow great.

Listening to other people life experiences is tiring but great.
Like Jeston - a father of two at very young age,
a part of Jeff and Rollie's life and also Jona - a mistress.
Other people may seem to introduce their life to me but I'm not entertaining them.
It's crazy.

Great! life is great!
Behind of all these happenings, I'm still focus on my goals set for this year.
I know I can make it.
If I achieved 25% of it by end of March,
for sure I can have additional 25% by end of June 2009.
I just have to work hard.

Start working Ramon.


by: bodengdeng

MISSING POINT

March 28, 2009 3:47 PM


It was like hell since Monday.
I can't believe I was able to stand face to face with a person who has a very negative energy in life.
I never knew that this people live to irritate and destruct others peace.
To make the long story short, It's all about my senior Korean manager who thinks nothing but only what pleases him.
I hate to think and give attention to this matter but I feel like I'm so drained. I hate the feeling, it's like getting old faster. I hate it!

This big, fat and owl eyed Korean manager is foolish!
He don't care of others people idea, all he want is to follow his bullshit idea right now and there!!!
Gosh! I am so disappointed! I'm so tired in this whole week. NExt week is another battle.

I know I got to be strong now than before. I don't care about him. I just want to release the negative energy he bought into my universe.

I'm hopin and praying one day he would come to realize the change he need, and that change must be good and humane.
Gob bless his soul!

by: bodengdeng

COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ME

Mar 13, '09 4:27 AM

Dissenting is what I am trying to do in past two weeks. But I can't resist the flow of energy of life going into my life.
I really hate to think about me doing things I promise not to do.

Last night, me and my 4 board mates was drinking gin. We enjoy until 1:00am. We scatter and go to bed.
John was there too. I know I was hugging him tight. He's such a fucking cute, a hooker type & insincere boy.

John is nice to me. In the surface of our friendship I would rather stay. I once text him that we're better off as friends.

Last night, Jeff was there too. He's my roommate. He did not drink but just listen and eat some popcorn. He sleep ahead.

Jeff is so cute and so kind. He an Iglesia Ni Cristo church goers. I like him the way he does thing.

I woke up late today. I'm trying my best to be nice to everyone, especially my hot tempered Korean Manager - Mr. Kim.

I'm thinking of my bed. I can't wait to lie down and sleep.

What A Feeling, The Finale

February 17th, 2009

I’m very careful to handle everything in my life now. I consider or think deeper before I had to decide or to make a change. It’s not easy now, as we get older we realize how we need to become more responsible first to ourselves. The question is not about what but “how”. I can’t live a passive life, I won’t live to it by choice either, but being objective, sometimes we need to be passive and observant. No need to rush when it comes to life’s decisions.

Here’s come the final chapter of ups and down of my life emotionally:
guilty - the feeling is so heavy. creeping into my minds as if eating my whole consciousness and leads me to the feeling of numbness. being guilty has many reasons, personal disobedience, being careless and most of all being irresponsible. I’m trying to be more honest and you know, being aware of my limitations.

hating - as i always say the word. it’s easy to hate by saying it, but sometimes i really mean what i say. it’s easy to get annoyed and disappointed, but i always remind myself not to burst into flame, for when the damaged is done, not can make it whole again. I always watch myself - control myself every time I feel the flame of hate.

me, myself & mine - i don’t mean being selfish. I want to be me, i mean myself. I love to do things my own way. I’m talking about my current situation - like such staying with my brother. I’m not used to have free stuff - like free laundry, when you wake up the things you need is already fixed, free ride with my brothers motorcycle. I missed the times when I do stuff for my self from laundrymen to cooking. It’s makes me feel more secure and happy. I’ve decided to move out next month. Just nearby my workplace.

acceptance - the top motivating factor in my life. the feeling it bring makes me whole and free. being accepted in workplace, in family and circle of friends is a paradise - a gift from heaven that brings joy and pure happiness.

completeness - it not about having a gf, a wife or some that makes you complete. it’s about acceptance of you are. I’m happy of myself, I am who I am and accepts my frailty. Being imperfect makes me struggle to face the reality and hold on to what is desirable and good. I’m complete - thank God!

expectations - the feeling is such a magic! when we expect for something - it makes our life colorful. the hope that shines in my heart is so overwhelming. I have a lots of dreams, plans and I’m expecting them to work out in my life. For I never let go, i keep holding on and pushes through, until I see it comeing like a breaking dawn.

———until here and may you have a great feeling today————

bodengdeng

DRAMA’s DYING

March 3rd, 2009

Thank God! I’m still alive…

I can’t thank God enough for the life He gave me, the water I drink this morning, the money I’ve earn through the strength He gave me, I just had a cup of oatmeal w/ creamier and a pancit canton, cold iced tea is like brainfreezing… after having it all, I just thank God.

Living away from family is not new to me. I’m used to it for almost 10 years now. My new place is so cool, the environment is wide - which makes me feel more relax. I’m happy I got this new place. So much to my joy cause I have other two room mates, and i like them so much because i mean they’re nice and accommodating. Nothing beats the way Filipino cares!

It’s my third day in my new place I call “home”, Last night we had a drink - a hard dry gin. I thought I can’t make it today to work. Thank God I’m alive! I hate the experience, though I enjoy it because my two room mates were there - (jeff & rollie) also jona (rollie’s girl), also john ( the cute and very young & juicy guy next door and he’s attractive - the way he look at you is like he’s embracing you) and the other person was the man of the hour - RICO. It’s rico’s Idea, actually he’s the son of the owner of the place am staying, duh! he’s 53 but going strong and good looking - as if he’s 45, honestly he’s cute but i don’t find any attraction from him. He’s very persuasive - that’s makes me say yes for drinking, ahhhhhhhhhh i want to forget it.

Today, I realize that I am about 25% percent complete with my goal for 2009. The rest of the percentage still have to work out hard. Today, I gladly embrace the sun that makes everything alive, the air i breath and the mind that make me prepare for the day! Drama’s are dying, no more tears, self-pity are gone, loneliness is now smiling at me, boredom is no more in dictionary, uneasiness can’t be named anymore, bitterness has flown away and evil desire is now under my feet!

Everyday is like a new path that I enjoy traveling. I can never imagine how beautiful is another day, and anticipating it is such an inspiration that brings joy to my heart.

I love God, I love myself, I love those people that sorrounds me now. I love my friends - lumie, leolyn, noel & irish, marchell - they are close to my heart.


bodengdeng

DEAD END

originally written on June 18th, 2009

What do we live for?

Do we live for love (lust), money, and pleasure? We can never deny the basic necessity of mankind but beyond that, what else? Some seek fulfillment in religion, some in marriage, some on being single, some try both same sex fulfillment. Seeking fulfillment sucks, there’s is no fulfillment not until we become contented of what we have.

Why of 20 millions spermatozoa from your dad and my dad, we were the lucky ones to hit the our mothers egg? It’s so amazing, right?

Sometimes I thought, there’s only one basis of truth. I always believe it’s our conscience. It never says evil nor drives us away to what is true. There’s no truth in this world. What people call to be true is false. Don’t get me wrong with civil laws and the natural laws. It exist for a purpose. I'm talking about a person or what’s inside a person’s mind.

I feel so weird today. I don’t like this kind of emotion. It’s like you’re being skinned off and marinated and being dipped into a boiling oil. Fuck! this shit out of me man! I hate it. I’m so angry. But why my lips are tight. I want to shout to the world what today that i feel so bad! But here i am sitting on my comfortable chair, writing these unexpressed feeling that I have. Oh my! I don’t know… Yes I know, shit! i want to get tired of it now! It’s so hard to express what I feel, especially i am not very good with English usage and my vocabulary is so limited. It sucks! It’s because of her, i feel like this. Okay now what? She gets married. so it’s over! There’s now way for both of us! No chance even in dreams! So that’s it. Tomorrow i’ll be fine. Not sure today. I want to forget everything about her. I must.

Dead end blind the person who faces it. It takes wisdom, to look beyond what the life offer before your eyes. Life doesn’t end with dead end. It’s an opportunity. I love the idea of it. I’m okay at least I’m free of the cell where i brought myself in. At last!

Am i crazy?

bodengdeng

WHAT MAKES ME CRY

What makes a man cry?

There are so many reasons why we cry.

Emotional factors play a big role why I cry. I know that crying is healthy and it makes me release the pain and joy that I feel.

I had come into the situation that I told myself I don't wanna cry anymore, but if I try to think about it, maybe I should say... I don't want to feel the pain again. I can never measure how much tears I had in past 28 years of my life. But I believe those tears brought me where I am now.

Let me share with you the memories that makes me cry:
1. My mother said that I cried when I was born.
2. I cried because my father spank me for so many reasons.
3. I cried because my classmate punch me because they say I'm gay.
4. I cried because I lost my things like money, friends and family.
5. I cried cover my sins.
6. I cried because I felt like I'm alone in this big world and seems nobody cares.
7. I cried because other people insults me or accuse me.
8. I cried because I was able to finish my assignments at school and I perform very well.
9. I cried because I was not sent by my parents to College but by myself alone.
10. I cried over the lost souls.
11. I cried because the guys like my friends doesn't know what I really feel.
12. I cried when a man force me to have sex with him/them
13. I cried because I have lallowe others to fulfill things i can manage.
14. I cried because I fear to get into jail and lost my dreams.
15. I cried because some people overuse and misuse me.
16. I cried because I watch drama and horror movies.
17. I cried so much for my dreams and goals in life.
18. I always cry thinking of the freedom I have in life.

There's no end for crying. As long as I live I know I always have to let go of the emotions coupled with tears. Life is never complete without a tears that drops into our face.