BETWEEN LOVE AND SEXUALITY

Being born in an ultra-conservative society has suppressed the so-called knowing and trusting the sexuality I possess when I was young. Speaking of which, people in the village are all well culturally inclined to what is acceptable and seemingly scare away what is evil that include improper behavior for both men and women. Unfortunately, the only education I digested from my inner family circle is how to survive life in the wild. Never heard of things pertaining to freedom of sexuality and acceptance of what makes you are or who you are. Surviving life in the wild I have said entails of using your physical strength, making use of instincts and trusting the spiritual side of life wherein for me is such a confusing matter when I was young (you know like they teach you a bout God and you see them acting fearfully against unknown or unseen being and spirit that roam around the earth ~ which I thought is unlikely cause if you believe in a supreme being you should not really be afraid of anything that is unknown or unseen, I thought that when I was young). Public education will bring you general knowledge, standard knowledge rather. You have to dig deeper and ask in order to learn things which are not taught in the four walls of classroom. When I was young and innocent I always wonder what it means to people their sexuality, and when innocence was no more I always ask myself how to reconcile love and sexuality when I feel like the rest of the world isn’t having the dilemma I have been hording everyday of my younger years.

FAMILY AND INDEPENDENCE. It was a huge wave of transformation. I have learned first to become independent rather that believing my sexuality. In search of truth, I turn my back away from family and find friendship with butterflies and dove that never flies. It was a great time of experiencing the youth. The wildest of it all. You can feel the very pleasure deeply in the tissue of your flesh and marrow of your bones. Met Glen the superstar, and Jet the lady of the night, few friends in their most purest from of being. They know themselves well and taught me to face life as a different person, we move in the darkest of night and enjoy life to the fullest everyday. It’s true, everybody gets tired of what is not fulfilling and when everything is merely a fascination. Each one of us has find the road in life that is not fitting for everybody. Back then I realize how our friendship curve my sexuality. I was a fairy that never had a wing but believe I can fly.

SPIRITUALITY AND BROTHERHOOD. I have found love. Love that spells as acceptance. It was a beautiful experience. People like Eddelyn, Memosa, Mike Vinco and the rest knows what it means to love and be love in return. However it was the sincerest love of all, and it my whole life I will never ever forget about it and the people of whom never account me off the love they gave willingly. To my spiritual father Ruben and Philip and spiritual mom Wilma and Florence you have no idea how much your faith has change my life and to this day I respect and love the values you have incorporate within me, each word testify the greatest love of all. It was the first time in my life that I made a choice. A choice to believe what it means to be a real man and a man of faith. Still, tough times shakes off the shafts and the impure part of my being. I was tossed and drowned, force to face the harsh reality of life and feels the pain of losing the life of people whom I turn my back. I thought I have found a lover for life too. But I found out it was only a love of a sister I had when in fact I thought we have the Eros love. It wasn’t fun at all, it was a real mess and I am grateful it ends but still it made me decide to live a single life during my twenties. Also, I had the nightmares of the past. It’s what you call letting go of the past slowly but surely, but in the process you can still taste the flavors of indulgence from time to time.

WORK AND RESPONSIBILITY. The period of life when I found rest and seek for what is not lost part of my being but of what I could do more to myself. Skills level up.

LOVE. Love never found me nor I found a love who meant me a partner in life.

SEXUALITY AND SPIRITUALITY. I could recall how desperate, exhausted and uninterested I am with life when I found the brothers who knows that love has no boundary. Once in for all, I have accepted myself as I am, as a person of male sexuality but its masculinity is not defined by society nor written by books. Because people calls it abnormality, sickness, curse and some calls it evil. But its just me and will always be me. Gentle and fragile. Nothing more and nothing less. I have no preference to what a person is nor the choice of their sexuality. Its all about trust and respect. More than two years of being alone, fighting in the world with what and who I am ends when I met Jason, I visited his house to met other guys and surprisingly I met batchoy in there, batchoy a long lost friend way back in my so called spiritual and brotherhood stage of life. It was fun, but its more than that. I was overwhelmed and grateful towards the supreme being for bringing me there. Then my horizon expanded, seeing and meeting people who believe that sexuality is never an issue between love and spirituality. Love as you are, believe as you are. You can do more when you live as you are, more of life every time you breath yourself as you are. It is beautiful being you.

Remember we exist not to please people but first being at peace with yourself and then giving life the value of what it means being you. Being you won’t break the law, it won’t hurt people and will never ever destroy the original purpose of your existence. Being you is love.

by: bodengdeng

SPEAKING OF ME

It’s not easy, it’s not easy to be labeled. To suffer from the pain of stereotyping. But it’s fate. It’s what life has made me to face. And I have to decided not to go with the flow nor live according to what they don’t like it to be, rather I live my life the way it is, the way I am and the way I meant to be.


Let me start with the person who are tools of my becoming. My Dad. He passed away last 2003. I always knew that there is a huge undiscovered potential relationship between me and my Dad. I was 22 back then, just starting my career life. The battle between us started ever since I was young, at the moment when life innocence was taken away from me. We are always at war of ideas and every conversation end up with disappointment. I am his favorite actually and the carrier of his first name as to the 3rd generation. Every male siblings he has is masculine, strong willed, strong character, strong physically, like every other young men in the village who loves to talk about cute girls and whom choices of dress and words are just so men. But not me, he always got pissed off on me. He always told me to be like him or the rest of my brother. I did try, try to have girls in my high school, play with cute guys and so on, I try but I just can’t force myself. So I choose to act discreet and whenever he is around I would be so compose. But he also appreciates and complimented me and that makes me cry about. He told me I’m genius, that he hopes so much about the future because I will give him success and that he said he loves me but I just have to listen to him. Those memories are killing me and seems to awaken the longing of how much I wanted to hug and spend time with him. But that’s all just in words now, that is the reality that I would never taste until I met my grave.

To my mom, I am like a king. She always innot cheering me up, my shoulder to cry on and my comforter. She gives me strength I never understood where she draw and a love I would never feel from anyone else. How could I forget how much she love me. She said I’m merciful and soft. She will never miss a kiss from me when i see or depart from her and she will always hug me back. Mom said, I am his child physically but not mentally. She said I change a lot since I left the family for college and by then when I visited her she would always tell s me how really change I am. That’s sad because she thinks she can’t influence me anymore, but it’s wrong. She would always tell me stories of how she would commend me and of how proud she is about me. She is my number fan. She say that I am a blessing and that I will bring wealth and success in the family. She said my mind is beautiful and powerful, that I think very different and she said she could not even understand me sometimes. My mom is so delicate, she is and always be delicately love by me.

Having four brothers and one sister is a regular type filipino family. But the pain of being different form them is like a knife that cuts though my skin every time they would speak to me things like why can’t you be like this, we don’t want us to be put to shame because of you, you’d better change, nothing is good with being like that, no! it can’t be – you can’t be gay!, there is a way to change you, you have to be masculine and so on and so forth. In spite of these, being the shaker of my mind I could still draw strength from them, they are my inspiration and will always be loved and help by my unconditionally.

Classmates. There are classmates who are friends, bff, acquaintances and just on lookers. But most of them would agree how coarse and boisterous I am and at the same time how sensitive and caring. To those whom I have been with, they won’t speak ill of me but will always correct me and challenge my manhood. It’s not fun rather I feel being bullied, fooled and tried. Way back elementary days am a real freak. I like girls as playmates and really hates the boys game. During high school there would be so many times that my classmates would call me a harlot like and the same codes or identity, that acutally force me act decently. 'Till college I never get too close with guys. My life revolves around with soft guys and girls who seems to be undestructive and wholesome. Generally, classmates spoke of me as being fun to be with, teaser, jolly, smiley, soft, warring lips, having an untame mouth and tongue,  and most often being mis-interpreted.

So much has been told about friendship. And every person has a unique and different stories or twist in their friendship. To my dear fiends who has been there in my hard and difficult times, I will never ever forget you and will always seek ways to be re-united with you. To my friends they say I make them laugh, I make them smile when they are gloomy, I find good stuff and things they need, a helpful person and an ideal man of life. I will never ever forget when me and my friends sit together for a coffee, diner and even just for a past time. Friends would call me barbaric, pervert, unjust, emotional, nagger, aggressive, irrational, hard hearted, notorious, careless, a loving person and a very extravagant guy. This people range from a feminist, discreet gay guys, effeminate, single mom, straight guys, loner, musician, bad temper, high class, spiritual, and even geek. Every one of them has to say about me either good or bad, I just have to listen and take them as they are.

People from work would generally comment how serious I am. How discreet and always give my favor the management. They say I am one sided and would not listen to what my co-employee would tell me. A boss killer, a snob, a power player, a gossiper and a pretender. Anyway that’s all true.

Great shift. It’s been nearly three months as of this writing this article when i left Philippines to work and live in one of the Gulf country. Some notable comments about me: bi-man, effeminate, clumsy, sociable, intolerable taste in fashion, beautiful mind, selfless, ladylike, laughing out loud, boisterous, loud, sexy, clean, arguing man, not strong will power, smiling, skillful, helpful, flirt, deviant, anti-social and always get favorited. Some are true, definite and other is just irritating. No matter what they think or tell me I am grateful. But doesn’t change who I am, the way I am and what I meant to be.

by: bodengdeng