Life I’ve Imagine.

Often I thought, share and discuss

Of pains, suffering and of being less

In life.

Never thought that today

It will change

I've always thought of life

I've imagine

When I was young

I always wanted

To become a surgical doctor

But I studied management accounting

And end up working in a world of banking

Life is easy when

You know what to do

What is good

And do what is require of you

I am living the life

I’ve imagine

When I was young and carefree

The life I’ve imagine

Beautiful house, white car

Leisure and pleasures

Sitting on

These chair of reality

Is the place Where I would probably

Spend another decade

I keep on imagining

The life I want to live.

by: bodengdeng

SPEAKING OF ME

It’s not easy, it’s not easy to be labeled. To suffer from the pain of stereotyping. But it’s fate. It’s what life has made me to face. And I have to decided not to go with the flow nor live according to what they don’t like it to be, rather I live my life the way it is, the way I am and the way I meant to be.


Let me start with the person who are tools of my becoming. My Dad. He passed away last 2003. I always knew that there is a huge undiscovered potential relationship between me and my Dad. I was 22 back then, just starting my career life. The battle between us started ever since I was young, at the moment when life innocence was taken away from me. We are always at war of ideas and every conversation end up with disappointment. I am his favorite actually and the carrier of his first name as to the 3rd generation. Every male siblings he has is masculine, strong willed, strong character, strong physically, like every other young men in the village who loves to talk about cute girls and whom choices of dress and words are just so men. But not me, he always got pissed off on me. He always told me to be like him or the rest of my brother. I did try, try to have girls in my high school, play with cute guys and so on, I try but I just can’t force myself. So I choose to act discreet and whenever he is around I would be so compose. But he also appreciates and complimented me and that makes me cry about. He told me I’m genius, that he hopes so much about the future because I will give him success and that he said he loves me but I just have to listen to him. Those memories are killing me and seems to awaken the longing of how much I wanted to hug and spend time with him. But that’s all just in words now, that is the reality that I would never taste until I met my grave.

To my mom, I am like a king. She always innot cheering me up, my shoulder to cry on and my comforter. She gives me strength I never understood where she draw and a love I would never feel from anyone else. How could I forget how much she love me. She said I’m merciful and soft. She will never miss a kiss from me when i see or depart from her and she will always hug me back. Mom said, I am his child physically but not mentally. She said I change a lot since I left the family for college and by then when I visited her she would always tell s me how really change I am. That’s sad because she thinks she can’t influence me anymore, but it’s wrong. She would always tell me stories of how she would commend me and of how proud she is about me. She is my number fan. She say that I am a blessing and that I will bring wealth and success in the family. She said my mind is beautiful and powerful, that I think very different and she said she could not even understand me sometimes. My mom is so delicate, she is and always be delicately love by me.

Having four brothers and one sister is a regular type filipino family. But the pain of being different form them is like a knife that cuts though my skin every time they would speak to me things like why can’t you be like this, we don’t want us to be put to shame because of you, you’d better change, nothing is good with being like that, no! it can’t be – you can’t be gay!, there is a way to change you, you have to be masculine and so on and so forth. In spite of these, being the shaker of my mind I could still draw strength from them, they are my inspiration and will always be loved and help by my unconditionally.

Classmates. There are classmates who are friends, bff, acquaintances and just on lookers. But most of them would agree how coarse and boisterous I am and at the same time how sensitive and caring. To those whom I have been with, they won’t speak ill of me but will always correct me and challenge my manhood. It’s not fun rather I feel being bullied, fooled and tried. Way back elementary days am a real freak. I like girls as playmates and really hates the boys game. During high school there would be so many times that my classmates would call me a harlot like and the same codes or identity, that acutally force me act decently. 'Till college I never get too close with guys. My life revolves around with soft guys and girls who seems to be undestructive and wholesome. Generally, classmates spoke of me as being fun to be with, teaser, jolly, smiley, soft, warring lips, having an untame mouth and tongue,  and most often being mis-interpreted.

So much has been told about friendship. And every person has a unique and different stories or twist in their friendship. To my dear fiends who has been there in my hard and difficult times, I will never ever forget you and will always seek ways to be re-united with you. To my friends they say I make them laugh, I make them smile when they are gloomy, I find good stuff and things they need, a helpful person and an ideal man of life. I will never ever forget when me and my friends sit together for a coffee, diner and even just for a past time. Friends would call me barbaric, pervert, unjust, emotional, nagger, aggressive, irrational, hard hearted, notorious, careless, a loving person and a very extravagant guy. This people range from a feminist, discreet gay guys, effeminate, single mom, straight guys, loner, musician, bad temper, high class, spiritual, and even geek. Every one of them has to say about me either good or bad, I just have to listen and take them as they are.

People from work would generally comment how serious I am. How discreet and always give my favor the management. They say I am one sided and would not listen to what my co-employee would tell me. A boss killer, a snob, a power player, a gossiper and a pretender. Anyway that’s all true.

Great shift. It’s been nearly three months as of this writing this article when i left Philippines to work and live in one of the Gulf country. Some notable comments about me: bi-man, effeminate, clumsy, sociable, intolerable taste in fashion, beautiful mind, selfless, ladylike, laughing out loud, boisterous, loud, sexy, clean, arguing man, not strong will power, smiling, skillful, helpful, flirt, deviant, anti-social and always get favorited. Some are true, definite and other is just irritating. No matter what they think or tell me I am grateful. But doesn’t change who I am, the way I am and what I meant to be.

by: bodengdeng

3 : 2 : 1 Planned Destiny? or a mere parallel of events.

Friday, July 16, 2010 at 12:50pm.

In my Life.
It's more than 2 years since I venture life in Luzon. This is the 2nd island wherein i live with. I never had a relationship, except 2 (one in high school and one in college), the last thing i know about those 2 girls is that they are both married.

The very fact that bothers me is the visibility of number 2 and it's strong energy that currently affects my entire universe and inner being.

Last 2007, I and my aunt visited her brother in Brunei, and it lasted for 2 months. She ask me to get a work permit and went back to manila for my medical. Unfortunately, I didn't pass because of the scar in my right upper lobe. They actually ask me for the 2nd time for X-Ray but it has the same result.. Funny is, i had gone 2 X-ray after that event, 1 during 2009 and the other 1 last march 2010 and the result? my lungs are cleared. Another thing, currently i am applying for a job in KSA, this is the 2nd agency i had submitted my passport. What amaze me is that, the medical clinic that diagnose me last 2007 is the same medical clinic that my current agency had scheduled me for my medical exam. Of hundreds of clinic why it has to be that clinic (ooooh for experience sake, these events makes me feel crazy or weird, something i can't explain). Okay it my 2nd time for this clinic, and i went there 2 times before finally completed my medical examination. Silly circumstances.

This application thing drive my nerves out, to sum it up, i have waited for almost 2 months now. The agency misinformed me twice on a certain matter. I had waited more than 2 weeks for my 2nd medical referral as my 1st medical referral expired because i didn't report within 1 week for medical since the referral was released, how could I? i wasn't informed. By the way, i took photo id twice for some requirements. Also this is the 2nd employer who interviewed me under the same agency.

The boarding house i currently occupied is the 2nd boarding i had rented since i worked with my 2nd company. Originally the room was a bit big so i asked the owner to divide it into 2. Because it's only the 2 of us, me and my brother is enough for a small room. My brother took 2 year course. 2 of my brothers visited me sometimes and since i rented my current boarding house there we're 2 typhoons that has taken lives of people, the first one was Ondoy and now Basyang. Previously on my 1st boarding house, i met my 2 cousins.

The current company i am working right now is the 2nd company since i went here in manila. and I have been working with them for more than 2 years. Currently, i have 2 Korean managers. The owner has 2 daughters. There are 2 families who are living inside the compound of our company. There are 2 watchman. Of four picks up, 2 we're sold and 2 left. Of many computers and printers, only 2 printers left and for Filipino staff only 2 computers are functioning well. Two air-cons was broken down. In the accounting cubicle there were 2 table but i get rid of the other one, there are two steel filing cabinet and 2 telephone lines. There are 2 water dispenser and 2 xerox copier and now both are not working haha. So much for the work avenue.

In family, we are six sibling. I'm fourth, i had 2 older brothers and 2 younger brothers. The eldest is female, she has 1 kid. The Oldest Brother has 2 kids and the 2nd to the last brother has two kids. 2 of us in the siblings are still single, me and the youngest.

Spirituality Speaking.
The current church i had affiliations with is the 2nd church where God leads me. I must admit that it's God's will for me to affiliate with MCC of QC, my 1st affiliation was in Iloilo City. This is also the second church i came to know since living here in Manila. It's more than 2 moths i have joined the group as of this writing date. Through this church, I met my 2 friends from Iloilo whom i have met for years , as in years, long years. There are 2 representative for MCCQC Marikina Support GROUP, and its gonna be our second month already.

Update ko pa to... sakit na ng ulo ko.



by: bodengdeng

COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ME

Mar 13, '09 4:27 AM

Dissenting is what I am trying to do in past two weeks. But I can't resist the flow of energy of life going into my life.
I really hate to think about me doing things I promise not to do.

Last night, me and my 4 board mates was drinking gin. We enjoy until 1:00am. We scatter and go to bed.
John was there too. I know I was hugging him tight. He's such a fucking cute, a hooker type & insincere boy.

John is nice to me. In the surface of our friendship I would rather stay. I once text him that we're better off as friends.

Last night, Jeff was there too. He's my roommate. He did not drink but just listen and eat some popcorn. He sleep ahead.

Jeff is so cute and so kind. He an Iglesia Ni Cristo church goers. I like him the way he does thing.

I woke up late today. I'm trying my best to be nice to everyone, especially my hot tempered Korean Manager - Mr. Kim.

I'm thinking of my bed. I can't wait to lie down and sleep.

PRECIOUS LIFE - originally published as "understanding process"

Feb. 21st, 2009 at 1:16 PM


21 February 2009, at around 8:30am. I went outside the office to have one stick of cigar while having a cooling snowbear mint on my mouth. I was a bit shaking. But I manage to control MY tremble. After that, I went back inside and drink cold water, very cold that it feels like freezing my brain.

Interrupted by my Korean Manager Mr. Kim with his instruction for quotation of deformed bars from the supplier. Sitting in front of Mr. Kim is for 3 minutes makes my nerves rattle.

Anyway, going back to my cubicle, I just can’t stop thinking of what I want to achieve. My dreams linger on my mind as of the moment. I have no idea on what other think about their life, as for me I am very sure of what I want to hold on my very hand and experienced the most tangible success I’ve been waiting. I understand what it means to be on the process, and now I’m on it. Being in the process is not easy. I can’t describe the feeling, though I’m not in a hurry nor I’m not trying to stop the process. I understand that shortcut always not a wise choice for success. What are those plans? Are my goals feasible? Am I able to stand the test of time? And when I am there, how will I be able to handle it?

Those enumerated question makes me more excited. I know deep in my heart I am very prepared. Preparation consists of factors that involved all my being – I mean my mind, my physical condition, my faith and my determination to achieve it.

Later I will enumerate things I want to see happen in my life. This moment, I want to re-validate my 2009 year-end goals. I’m actually almost 20% complete on it. Of 6 desired goals, one of them is now visible moving towards its fulfillment. I know I need to rewrite the six things I want to accomplish this year. I believe this tablet of writing will continuously remind me, arouse my core and intensify my will to get it. On the top of the list – I will get rid of all my fats, 2nd is to get my own place to stay, third is having a laptop on my birthday on Nov 14, 4th is to save additional money amounted to 50,000PHP, 5th is living within my means which is 2,500 per 15 days and lastly celebrate life with someone. Previously, I was talking 20 percent completion of my 2009 goals, yes, I’m moving along with it. It’s now middle of the first quarter, by ends o march I will do my best to hit 25% completion.

Going back, my long-term dreams are very impossible if I depend on my senses. But I believe I was created to live above what the temporary or the visible aspect. I believe I was born for something, something that will glorify my creator, something that is beyond others expectation. Compared to how I live and what I have now, those dreams we’re just a pieces of wish I can have that thing that will never touch reality. But my life nor as I view it, it’s is perfectly the irony of my dreams. What I mean here is the impossibility of making those dreams possible. I believe it not me; I mean the player is not totally me. God. I knew it, but I fully understand by responsibility, the weights of those dreams are not easy to carry. But my sanity is quite strong and it proves within me that I can handle it orderly.

I call my dreams as simple and ordinary, because I’ve seen lots of individual who have been there. Though journey would be different, I know I will be there too. Again, I hope this tablet of writing will continuously remind me, arouse my core and intensify my will to get it, so in the end my pursuit will be fruitful. I know I’m ready, it’s been long 5 years of being pregnant with these dreams, not I know maturity is now visible, like a distance in the dessert where clouds and sand meets as though as if it’s the dead end. Also it like viewing as far as where the sea water and the clouds met. I just took a deep breath; at last I’m able to draw the matter of my dreams in writing.

MY LONG TERM PLANS:

1. THE NECCESSITY: MISSIONARYMAN
Specifications: jail/prison & tribal outreach, massive salvation preaching, dedicated word and spirit worship to everlasting GOD. KICK-OFF DATE: now; END DATE: progressive; REALIZATION PERIOD: 1st quarter of year 2006

2. THE EXTRAVAGANT: BUSINESSMAN
Specifications: Business worth 5M inclusive of spa-2.5m, food-1m, farming-.75m, black crv type car-.75m; KICK OFF DATE: January 1, 2016 @35. END DATE: progressive

3. THE PROCREATION: MARRIEDMAN
Specifications: who’s the girl? Just watch out! WHEN: December 31, 2014 @33

So, that’s it. I knew I still have long road to go through. Though the path may be stepped, rough, dusty and darkest valleys still my heart will always cling to the most HIGH, my only source of dreams and pure happiness.


by: bodengdeng

SCHOOL HIGH - nonmusical

February 16th, 2009

CAUTION: CONFIDENTIAL!


School High was the most amazing, wonderful and the fantastic part of my life!


And now, here we are again… after 11 years we’ve met and bonded. Like before, we have the same feelings for each other… nothing changes much with our relationship. The matter that puzzles everyone is the experience we’ve gone through in life, at work, love affairs, physical change of course, places we’ve reached and life advancement when it comes to material things.


100% I’m satisfied, the longing I had in past ten years was completely filled. I always wonder where my best of friends gone and become. We’re now reunited, and being connected with each other, we started to dream for something, yes, we wanted to put up a business… whatever…


Let me share with you some of my school high scoop.


Sometimes in 2007, I’ve manage to have coffee and shot of drinks with Dondon and Simon, the latest? Dondon got married and now located at Bacolod – I guess Canlaon but believe me he’s guy who had a high school affair with one of my friend and later had connection with my other friend too. Simon had two little cute boys and a cute baby girl.

I was surprise to met Joan one time when I was still in Iloilo, when I was going back home to the country, he sat beside me during my ride. We had a short talk, as far as I could remember – he was telling that he stop for two years after high school and that time we met he was still in college somewhere nearby Passi city.


Once a month in 2008, I saw Grezie and Roselyn. Though Grezie and I texted each other regularly we hadn’t made any plans to met and bond together. I heard a lot of rumor regarding Grezie’s love affair with you know… and with you know… but know I think she settle down to a guy named __________ blank… whos the guy? Tell me…. Lovelyn was surprise to met me too, but I didn’t. She tried to tease me of my feminity but I just ignore it. Who cares?!? Also I’d like to mention Biclar, Gilbert, Robert, Dominador, Tsukie, Irene, Darlyn my online best-buddy now (same with Cynthia) I visited Darlyn’s house about a year ago, I’m with Irene that time. Fortunately Irene and I spend a very short time before she leave for Canada, but I’m happy Cynthia is there also.


I peek to some of Benedict photos – he’s accountant now, licensed I mean! Also, I’m missing Goldrose – the great mouth! Rhea Joy – the great teeth! Ivan – color it black! Randy – with a vamps teeth. Jennifer - blessed with a younger husband hehehe.


Cove my dearest friend in elementary and who else?… can’t name anymore. Well, Im dying to see Gherlyn, but I heard she’s now married, she’s my crush in elementary and she don’t know that. By the way, on the other side of the road with people like Artchie – now worked in Chevrolet Iloilo – unluckily I didn’t attend his wedding), Rayman (policeman – now in bacolod), Gygen (sailorman? No news), Celso the policeman whom I don’t know where he is now?)– all of them we’re my elementary buddies, add also Josie.


Some guys are now on the other side of life, life Rey Balbon and Annalyn Gammelon. Gosh, they we’re so young to depart from earth’s face. God bless their soul.How tragic isn’t? Noel also mention Arly – is he really dead?


There’s so many faces in my mind of people in my high school life but I can’t remember their names exactly, maybe because we’re not that close. Now the best part, the closest of the closest…. Friends are truly a gift, a relationship that lasts forever and makes the world fun to live with.


Met Noel – the sailorman! The arab looks, the height and the aura! But he’s a father now. Irish is the girl! A very discreet but inward aggressive type girl, as of the date she’s 2 months preggy for noel’s sake hehehehe.


So, do you know that weird people just got even weirder?! Just kidding, I’m talking of Lumie – gosh! Of all female in our batch she’s different. She now a professional medical transcriptionist, she worked for Arab docs for about 4 years maybe in KSA, also married and luckily still not a mommy, joke!
Nothing makes life perfect, instead it becomes more imperfect with we come to know people who don’t want to be perfect! Know Marchell and you’ll be shocked! She bind herself to a guy whom happen to be a sailorman too. She has a great job, a great body mass too, hehehe the hanger type! Kidding! She’s actually a martyr in her own way! She mention that her dad and her bro and sis stay with her.


Lastly, leolyn. the most aggressive mother of all, ( a mother of two kids and a wife to one plus one plus one, just kidding) hahahahaha (leolyn if you’re reading, hehehe sorry, I love you friend.!). I really love this friend of mine, she’s so girly you know! With soft attractive voice and the way she moves……… whew! Wow what a girl and what a poise! Hahahahha. Am getting crazy!

After all, we just need to be ourself and be happy. I miss you all guys…, About me?……………………….. nothing hehehe: Just tell me who am I to you?


bodengdeng

What A Feeling, The Finale

February 17th, 2009

I’m very careful to handle everything in my life now. I consider or think deeper before I had to decide or to make a change. It’s not easy now, as we get older we realize how we need to become more responsible first to ourselves. The question is not about what but “how”. I can’t live a passive life, I won’t live to it by choice either, but being objective, sometimes we need to be passive and observant. No need to rush when it comes to life’s decisions.

Here’s come the final chapter of ups and down of my life emotionally:
guilty - the feeling is so heavy. creeping into my minds as if eating my whole consciousness and leads me to the feeling of numbness. being guilty has many reasons, personal disobedience, being careless and most of all being irresponsible. I’m trying to be more honest and you know, being aware of my limitations.

hating - as i always say the word. it’s easy to hate by saying it, but sometimes i really mean what i say. it’s easy to get annoyed and disappointed, but i always remind myself not to burst into flame, for when the damaged is done, not can make it whole again. I always watch myself - control myself every time I feel the flame of hate.

me, myself & mine - i don’t mean being selfish. I want to be me, i mean myself. I love to do things my own way. I’m talking about my current situation - like such staying with my brother. I’m not used to have free stuff - like free laundry, when you wake up the things you need is already fixed, free ride with my brothers motorcycle. I missed the times when I do stuff for my self from laundrymen to cooking. It’s makes me feel more secure and happy. I’ve decided to move out next month. Just nearby my workplace.

acceptance - the top motivating factor in my life. the feeling it bring makes me whole and free. being accepted in workplace, in family and circle of friends is a paradise - a gift from heaven that brings joy and pure happiness.

completeness - it not about having a gf, a wife or some that makes you complete. it’s about acceptance of you are. I’m happy of myself, I am who I am and accepts my frailty. Being imperfect makes me struggle to face the reality and hold on to what is desirable and good. I’m complete - thank God!

expectations - the feeling is such a magic! when we expect for something - it makes our life colorful. the hope that shines in my heart is so overwhelming. I have a lots of dreams, plans and I’m expecting them to work out in my life. For I never let go, i keep holding on and pushes through, until I see it comeing like a breaking dawn.

———until here and may you have a great feeling today————

bodengdeng