BETWEEN LOVE AND SEXUALITY

Being born in an ultra-conservative society has suppressed the so-called knowing and trusting the sexuality I possess when I was young. Speaking of which, people in the village are all well culturally inclined to what is acceptable and seemingly scare away what is evil that include improper behavior for both men and women. Unfortunately, the only education I digested from my inner family circle is how to survive life in the wild. Never heard of things pertaining to freedom of sexuality and acceptance of what makes you are or who you are. Surviving life in the wild I have said entails of using your physical strength, making use of instincts and trusting the spiritual side of life wherein for me is such a confusing matter when I was young (you know like they teach you a bout God and you see them acting fearfully against unknown or unseen being and spirit that roam around the earth ~ which I thought is unlikely cause if you believe in a supreme being you should not really be afraid of anything that is unknown or unseen, I thought that when I was young). Public education will bring you general knowledge, standard knowledge rather. You have to dig deeper and ask in order to learn things which are not taught in the four walls of classroom. When I was young and innocent I always wonder what it means to people their sexuality, and when innocence was no more I always ask myself how to reconcile love and sexuality when I feel like the rest of the world isn’t having the dilemma I have been hording everyday of my younger years.

FAMILY AND INDEPENDENCE. It was a huge wave of transformation. I have learned first to become independent rather that believing my sexuality. In search of truth, I turn my back away from family and find friendship with butterflies and dove that never flies. It was a great time of experiencing the youth. The wildest of it all. You can feel the very pleasure deeply in the tissue of your flesh and marrow of your bones. Met Glen the superstar, and Jet the lady of the night, few friends in their most purest from of being. They know themselves well and taught me to face life as a different person, we move in the darkest of night and enjoy life to the fullest everyday. It’s true, everybody gets tired of what is not fulfilling and when everything is merely a fascination. Each one of us has find the road in life that is not fitting for everybody. Back then I realize how our friendship curve my sexuality. I was a fairy that never had a wing but believe I can fly.

SPIRITUALITY AND BROTHERHOOD. I have found love. Love that spells as acceptance. It was a beautiful experience. People like Eddelyn, Memosa, Mike Vinco and the rest knows what it means to love and be love in return. However it was the sincerest love of all, and it my whole life I will never ever forget about it and the people of whom never account me off the love they gave willingly. To my spiritual father Ruben and Philip and spiritual mom Wilma and Florence you have no idea how much your faith has change my life and to this day I respect and love the values you have incorporate within me, each word testify the greatest love of all. It was the first time in my life that I made a choice. A choice to believe what it means to be a real man and a man of faith. Still, tough times shakes off the shafts and the impure part of my being. I was tossed and drowned, force to face the harsh reality of life and feels the pain of losing the life of people whom I turn my back. I thought I have found a lover for life too. But I found out it was only a love of a sister I had when in fact I thought we have the Eros love. It wasn’t fun at all, it was a real mess and I am grateful it ends but still it made me decide to live a single life during my twenties. Also, I had the nightmares of the past. It’s what you call letting go of the past slowly but surely, but in the process you can still taste the flavors of indulgence from time to time.

WORK AND RESPONSIBILITY. The period of life when I found rest and seek for what is not lost part of my being but of what I could do more to myself. Skills level up.

LOVE. Love never found me nor I found a love who meant me a partner in life.

SEXUALITY AND SPIRITUALITY. I could recall how desperate, exhausted and uninterested I am with life when I found the brothers who knows that love has no boundary. Once in for all, I have accepted myself as I am, as a person of male sexuality but its masculinity is not defined by society nor written by books. Because people calls it abnormality, sickness, curse and some calls it evil. But its just me and will always be me. Gentle and fragile. Nothing more and nothing less. I have no preference to what a person is nor the choice of their sexuality. Its all about trust and respect. More than two years of being alone, fighting in the world with what and who I am ends when I met Jason, I visited his house to met other guys and surprisingly I met batchoy in there, batchoy a long lost friend way back in my so called spiritual and brotherhood stage of life. It was fun, but its more than that. I was overwhelmed and grateful towards the supreme being for bringing me there. Then my horizon expanded, seeing and meeting people who believe that sexuality is never an issue between love and spirituality. Love as you are, believe as you are. You can do more when you live as you are, more of life every time you breath yourself as you are. It is beautiful being you.

Remember we exist not to please people but first being at peace with yourself and then giving life the value of what it means being you. Being you won’t break the law, it won’t hurt people and will never ever destroy the original purpose of your existence. Being you is love.

by: bodengdeng